I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
