I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
