I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
