I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
