hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
