JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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