Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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