Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
