no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
