I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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