someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
