I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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