you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
