ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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