Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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