You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
