Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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