so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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