thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
