You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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