the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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