Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
