I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
