final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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