he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
