Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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