So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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