i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
