in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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