...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
