did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
She's JV to your varsity
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Randomize
