you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Randomize
