Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
