Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
