Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
