he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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