How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
