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i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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