i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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