So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
