she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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