just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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