If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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