He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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