Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How does it feel to date your dad?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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