sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
