i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
