it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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