you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
