His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
