i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
