The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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